Little help please?

[miss_yt]

I'm having an issue with one of my roommates, which was at first just kind of irritating but is now getting stressful. I don't think it's something to move out of the house over (or get myself kicked out over), but I'd like to find a way to deal with it.

I have two roommates: they both moved into the house before I did, they are both law students and they knew each other long before I came on the scene. The one I'm having a problem with arranged the lease and was the one I dealt with when I was making arrangements to live in the house.

I know I'm not a perfect roommate. It took me a while to understand what my responsibilities were with regards to doing housework and taking out the garbage and such, in part because she kind of did these things if no one else did them and because they were never explained to me in the first place - I was just expected to kind of pick them up as I went along, which isn't something I'm great at. I also had to learn my roommate's habits and schedules so that I could be out of their way when they needed to take a shower or something. I understand why they may have found that annoying, but I've been trying my best to do my part and not get in their way. When one of them brings up a problem, I try to fix it.

So I don't think it's fair that this roommate pretty much only talks to me to tell me I'm doing something wrong. It's like living with my mother all over again. Last night, for instance, she got home just after I did: I'd only just walked in the door and was putting my groceries away. She said something I didn't hear and I asked what she'd said. "Just wondering why the window blinds are up and all the lights are on" (they were not 'all on'). I said I'd practically just walked in the door and I didn't get an apology.

My cat, Roo, also has a collar that used to have a bell on it: the bell fell off some time recently, and when I remarked on this, she said that the bell was probably driving Roo crazy anyway. I explained that Roo used to have a habit of hiding and jumping on people (the bell got her to stop that) and she said "torturing" my cat was not a good way to solve the problem. Also, she thought Roo's collar was too tight, although when I checked it I could easily slip a finger under it, which means it should be comfortable. She also said that at one point she tried to take Roo's collar off but Roo tried to bite her (which she does with everyone). But, well, she said, Roo's my cat.

I had to rush off to class so I didn't continue this conversation. I also needed time to process it. But I realized hey - Roo is my cat, and my roommate is not a vet. The vet I took my cat to a few months ago didn't say anything bad about the collar or the bell. This collar-and-bell thing in itself isn't a big issue, but it makes me realize that the constant criticism is, and it's kind of making me nervous around my roommate. It's not as bad as my first roommate in Philadelphia who was a bully, crazy and didn't pay her share of the rent, but it's still bad.

Considering that I am trying to be a good roommate, that I pay my rent on time and that while I may be slow to catch on, I try to behave well when I do, I don't think I deserve to be constantly criticized and treated with condescension. I'm thinking of sending my roommate an e-mail (I express myself better in writing than in person) explaining why her remarks about my cat and the way she made them were inappropriate and why her behavior in general is inappropriate. But I don't want to make it worse or get kicked out of the house. With all the stuff grad school brings with it, I really can't afford to take the time and energy to move (especially since I would be breaking my lease, and other than this issue the house is a good place to live).

Maybe she doesn't realize what she's doing. I'm not really sure. I would like some advice about how to deal with this, because while the situation is tolerable it's not really pleasant. I don't need to be buddies with my roommates, I would just like them to treat me civilly.

Comments

[scifantasy.livejournal.com]

my first roommate in Philadelphia who was a bully, crazy and didn't pay her share of the rent

Is this who I think it was? *grin*

To your issue--I really don't know. On the one hand, yes, you have the right to treat your cat as you see fit, barring animal cruelty; on the other hand, rocking the boat is definitely bad given your situation.

Question: Can you get "kicked out of the house"? Are you on the lease, or just subletting from the others?

It's probably worth it to say something; email sounds like a safer medium than face-to-face, but you may want to include a line saying "if you prefer to do this in person, I'm willing to talk."

[miss-yt.livejournal.com]

In response to your question? Yes.

Also, I signed onto the lease. I'm not subletting. But if I want to re-sign the lease after it runs out (and since I am in the first year of a two-year program, I'll still want to be living here), it can get to be an issue. Also, my situation can just become totally untenable if things get too bad there.

[desdenova.livejournal.com]

Ugh, flatmate problems.

When I had a problematic flatmate situation, I moved out when the lease ended. I'm not saying that's the best solution, but it's what I did.

Discussing the situation is good, but I advise against the e-mail approach. This woman sounds like an aggressive, dominating type, and getting a complaint via e-mail rather than face-to-face will almost certainly 1) piss her off, and 2) be taken as a sign of weakness. As such, there's a good chance it will lead to even more bullying on her part. (I speak from experience as an aggressive, dominating type; passive-aggressiveness brings out the worst in me.)

If you do end up having to directly confront the annoying one, it might be helpful to write down your points as if you _were_ going to send an e-mail, and run through them a few times as practice. I do sympathize with the "express self better in writing" thing; I just don't think it's bound to be an effective way to deal with someone you live with.

Could you perhaps discuss the problem with the third flatmate? Since she knows the troublesome flatmate better, she can maybe suggest how to most effectively resolve the conflict. Or maybe even have words with the troublesome one on your behalf?

[miss-yt.livejournal.com]

I don't think I can take this to my other roommate. For one, she and the first roommate are friends and don't have trouble with each other. Also, I don't feel it's fair to try and bring her into this.

I'm nervous about talking to my roommate in person because I think that after I make my complaint, she's going to shoot back and I'm just going to fold up and slink away - I have a hard time holding my ground in these situations. If you want me to talk to her in person, what should I say? Start with the cat conversation this morning and basically say "I've been thinking about what you said, I don't think it's appropriate, I don't think it's a problem if the vet I took her to didn't say it was and this is typical of your behavior towards me and I don't like it?"

EDIT: If I don't bring this up in e-mail, should I at least send her an e-mail saying I want to talk to her?

[desdenova.livejournal.com]

If it was me, I'd just jump on her next time she started in on me. That's hard to do if you're not used to being assertive, though.

If you're looking to confront her now, starting with the cat thing is fine, since it is a recent example and she can't claim that she has no idea what you're on about and you're just imagining things.

Whether you address her in person or by email, you'll have to be prepared for a comeback--email just gives her the option of ignoring you. The good news is, assertiveness gets easier with practice.

I've found sarcasm to be a useful tool for dealing with people who are obnoxious like this. "Oh, Sally, thanks so much for be so concerned about my cat! I checked with my vet and she said Roo was fine the way she was, but it was nice of you to worry!"

Long-term, you may want to think about living somewhere else next year; moving sucks, but it's short-term suckiness, which IMO is preferable to the long-term suckiness of living with somebody you don't get along with. Grad school's hard enough without a bitchy flatmate.

[miss-yt.livejournal.com]

Being assertive isn't easy for me (as I said), but I can think of a way to play to my strengths. If she makes one of those remarks or tells me to do something in a way I don't like, how would saying something along the lines of "I'd be happy to do it...if you asked me politely." That kind of lays out what my expectations are. If I get lip I can say "If you can't ask politely, I'm not going to do it."

And really, moving out is a very last option. Not only would it be hard to find a new place, but I couldn't get all my stuff out of there without a truck and some assistance (when I moved in, it was the family minivan and my father and brother helping).

My roommate is also a New Yorker (so am I, but I somehow grew up with a Midwest attitude) and of course a law student, so maybe that's just how she talks. And she's not anywhere near as bad as my first roommate.

*sigh* When I get my degree and a good job where I make lots of money, I am never sharing a house or apartment with anyone ever again, unless they are my SO.

[desdenova.livejournal.com]

"I'd be happy to do it...if you asked me politely." That kind of lays out what my expectations are.

I think that's a good strategy, and a perfectly reasonable request to make of somebody.

My roommate is also a New Yorker

Oh, dear. You have my sympathy.

I am never sharing a house or apartment with anyone ever again,

I hear ya! I took an extra job during grad school so I could afford to live by myself. It was totally worth it.

[desdenova.livejournal.com]

Also: good luck!

[tempus-aeterna.livejournal.com]

I think that what you talked about with desdenova was a good idea. It is still sort of passive aggressive to wait for her to do something else and then mention it rather than brining it up now, but, I see why you may not want to do that.

A better way to get around initial, direct confrontation in person but to avoid an impersonal e-mail is to write her out a letter (written, not typed), sit her down and tell her, that you have some concerns with your roommate relationship, but you have written her a letter because you express yourself better that way. Say that you would like to speak with her about the issues after she reads the letter.

Another thing to do is, if you end up needing to put anything in writing, you should say that you haven't been the best roommate and maybe all three of you should sit down and have a more delineated description of responsibilities and schedules. That could help them understand more directly that you are trying. Also, you could say that when schedules change for the summer or for next year, you want to sit down again and confirm responsibilities and schedules as the schedules may change when classes change and sometimes responsibilities ultimately change with schedules (for example if the person responsible for taking out the trash the evening before the trash man comes in the morning has a late class, it might be prudent for someone else to take that responsibility). Asking them to have a real sit down where the *actual* concerns (i.e. things about responsibilities and scheduling) are addressed might help some of her displaced frustration (if that's what it is). Also, a weekly schedule on the door or a white board with where people are for the day, may help you with some of the shower/event times and may help them realize where you are and when you *can* do a task and when you are *unavailable* to do one.