Little help please?
Feb. 12th, 2008 10:17 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
miss_ytI'm having an issue with one of my roommates, which was at first just kind of irritating but is now getting stressful. I don't think it's something to move out of the house over (or get myself kicked out over), but I'd like to find a way to deal with it.
I have two roommates: they both moved into the house before I did, they are both law students and they knew each other long before I came on the scene. The one I'm having a problem with arranged the lease and was the one I dealt with when I was making arrangements to live in the house.
I know I'm not a perfect roommate. It took me a while to understand what my responsibilities were with regards to doing housework and taking out the garbage and such, in part because she kind of did these things if no one else did them and because they were never explained to me in the first place - I was just expected to kind of pick them up as I went along, which isn't something I'm great at. I also had to learn my roommate's habits and schedules so that I could be out of their way when they needed to take a shower or something. I understand why they may have found that annoying, but I've been trying my best to do my part and not get in their way. When one of them brings up a problem, I try to fix it.
So I don't think it's fair that this roommate pretty much only talks to me to tell me I'm doing something wrong. It's like living with my mother all over again. Last night, for instance, she got home just after I did: I'd only just walked in the door and was putting my groceries away. She said something I didn't hear and I asked what she'd said. "Just wondering why the window blinds are up and all the lights are on" (they were not 'all on'). I said I'd practically just walked in the door and I didn't get an apology.
My cat, Roo, also has a collar that used to have a bell on it: the bell fell off some time recently, and when I remarked on this, she said that the bell was probably driving Roo crazy anyway. I explained that Roo used to have a habit of hiding and jumping on people (the bell got her to stop that) and she said "torturing" my cat was not a good way to solve the problem. Also, she thought Roo's collar was too tight, although when I checked it I could easily slip a finger under it, which means it should be comfortable. She also said that at one point she tried to take Roo's collar off but Roo tried to bite her (which she does with everyone). But, well, she said, Roo's my cat.
I had to rush off to class so I didn't continue this conversation. I also needed time to process it. But I realized hey - Roo is my cat, and my roommate is not a vet. The vet I took my cat to a few months ago didn't say anything bad about the collar or the bell. This collar-and-bell thing in itself isn't a big issue, but it makes me realize that the constant criticism is, and it's kind of making me nervous around my roommate. It's not as bad as my first roommate in Philadelphia who was a bully, crazy and didn't pay her share of the rent, but it's still bad.
Considering that I am trying to be a good roommate, that I pay my rent on time and that while I may be slow to catch on, I try to behave well when I do, I don't think I deserve to be constantly criticized and treated with condescension. I'm thinking of sending my roommate an e-mail (I express myself better in writing than in person) explaining why her remarks about my cat and the way she made them were inappropriate and why her behavior in general is inappropriate. But I don't want to make it worse or get kicked out of the house. With all the stuff grad school brings with it, I really can't afford to take the time and energy to move (especially since I would be breaking my lease, and other than this issue the house is a good place to live).
Maybe she doesn't realize what she's doing. I'm not really sure. I would like some advice about how to deal with this, because while the situation is tolerable it's not really pleasant. I don't need to be buddies with my roommates, I would just like them to treat me civilly.
I have two roommates: they both moved into the house before I did, they are both law students and they knew each other long before I came on the scene. The one I'm having a problem with arranged the lease and was the one I dealt with when I was making arrangements to live in the house.
I know I'm not a perfect roommate. It took me a while to understand what my responsibilities were with regards to doing housework and taking out the garbage and such, in part because she kind of did these things if no one else did them and because they were never explained to me in the first place - I was just expected to kind of pick them up as I went along, which isn't something I'm great at. I also had to learn my roommate's habits and schedules so that I could be out of their way when they needed to take a shower or something. I understand why they may have found that annoying, but I've been trying my best to do my part and not get in their way. When one of them brings up a problem, I try to fix it.
So I don't think it's fair that this roommate pretty much only talks to me to tell me I'm doing something wrong. It's like living with my mother all over again. Last night, for instance, she got home just after I did: I'd only just walked in the door and was putting my groceries away. She said something I didn't hear and I asked what she'd said. "Just wondering why the window blinds are up and all the lights are on" (they were not 'all on'). I said I'd practically just walked in the door and I didn't get an apology.
My cat, Roo, also has a collar that used to have a bell on it: the bell fell off some time recently, and when I remarked on this, she said that the bell was probably driving Roo crazy anyway. I explained that Roo used to have a habit of hiding and jumping on people (the bell got her to stop that) and she said "torturing" my cat was not a good way to solve the problem. Also, she thought Roo's collar was too tight, although when I checked it I could easily slip a finger under it, which means it should be comfortable. She also said that at one point she tried to take Roo's collar off but Roo tried to bite her (which she does with everyone). But, well, she said, Roo's my cat.
I had to rush off to class so I didn't continue this conversation. I also needed time to process it. But I realized hey - Roo is my cat, and my roommate is not a vet. The vet I took my cat to a few months ago didn't say anything bad about the collar or the bell. This collar-and-bell thing in itself isn't a big issue, but it makes me realize that the constant criticism is, and it's kind of making me nervous around my roommate. It's not as bad as my first roommate in Philadelphia who was a bully, crazy and didn't pay her share of the rent, but it's still bad.
Considering that I am trying to be a good roommate, that I pay my rent on time and that while I may be slow to catch on, I try to behave well when I do, I don't think I deserve to be constantly criticized and treated with condescension. I'm thinking of sending my roommate an e-mail (I express myself better in writing than in person) explaining why her remarks about my cat and the way she made them were inappropriate and why her behavior in general is inappropriate. But I don't want to make it worse or get kicked out of the house. With all the stuff grad school brings with it, I really can't afford to take the time and energy to move (especially since I would be breaking my lease, and other than this issue the house is a good place to live).
Maybe she doesn't realize what she's doing. I'm not really sure. I would like some advice about how to deal with this, because while the situation is tolerable it's not really pleasant. I don't need to be buddies with my roommates, I would just like them to treat me civilly.
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no subject
Date: 2008-02-13 03:23 am (UTC)A better way to get around initial, direct confrontation in person but to avoid an impersonal e-mail is to write her out a letter (written, not typed), sit her down and tell her, that you have some concerns with your roommate relationship, but you have written her a letter because you express yourself better that way. Say that you would like to speak with her about the issues after she reads the letter.
Another thing to do is, if you end up needing to put anything in writing, you should say that you haven't been the best roommate and maybe all three of you should sit down and have a more delineated description of responsibilities and schedules. That could help them understand more directly that you are trying. Also, you could say that when schedules change for the summer or for next year, you want to sit down again and confirm responsibilities and schedules as the schedules may change when classes change and sometimes responsibilities ultimately change with schedules (for example if the person responsible for taking out the trash the evening before the trash man comes in the morning has a late class, it might be prudent for someone else to take that responsibility). Asking them to have a real sit down where the *actual* concerns (i.e. things about responsibilities and scheduling) are addressed might help some of her displaced frustration (if that's what it is). Also, a weekly schedule on the door or a white board with where people are for the day, may help you with some of the shower/event times and may help them realize where you are and when you *can* do a task and when you are *unavailable* to do one.