A Helpful List

A friend of mine recently expressed her fear of questions along the lines of "Do you go to church?" "Do you have a boyfriend?" "Do you have kids?" She lives in an area where she gets those kinds of questions (mostly from women) a lot, and she is afraid of being judged because she doesn't give the "correct" answers.

So, as a public service, I drew up a list of possible answers to these questions, the aim of which is to make the interrogator sorry they ever asked. Pick the ones you like or make up your own!

1. "You go to church, don't you?"

a) "No, because I think God is the product of a kind of mass psychosis."
b) "No, but on nights when the moon is full I go into the woods with my coven and we dance skyclad to celebrate the Mother Goddess."
c) "Yes, but only at midnight to hold Black Mass."


2. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

a) "Yes. We're going to get married when he gets out of prison."
b) "Yes, and I have a girlfriend too!"
c) "I don't need a boyfriend. I have a perfectly good vibrator."


3. "You got kids?"

a) Look like you're on the verge of breaking into tears and say, "I'm not able to have kids."
b) "My partner and I are trying to adopt."
c) "If the cloning experiment works, then I will soon!"