Future Will Eat Me!

[miss_yt]

Sorry I didn't post another installment on the California trip. I either forgot or was too lazy (story of my life, no?). I'm going to do that in the next entry, but right now I want to talk about current events a little. Or a lot.

I figure that two years of getting my feet wet in Real Life and decompressing from college is about enough, and it's time to start applying to grad school. I am looking at information science programs: I have found three that are supposed to be very good (at least two are in the top ten programs, and a very interesting one was recommended to me) and one that will probably make a good safety school (Drexel). I think I should apply to four or five places.

Of course, I am feeling very anxious about the whole thing (which is why I'm up writing at 5 AM), for all sorts of reasons, which I elaborated upon in an e-mail I sent to my mother, excerpted below:




I've barely started looking and I'm already feeling nervous. I haven't checked all the application requirements, but I will have to worry about submitting a CV, the GRE scores, filling out forms, writing essays and getting references. Fortunately I can ask Katherine and my boss to write letters. If I need three, though, I'm not sure who else to ask. For some of the schools, I will also have to figure out which specific program of study works best for me. Eek, now I'm feeling even more nervous! Incidentally, that's also why I'm up and writing e-mails at 4 in the morning. This is like applying to colleges all over again, although I don't have high school homework to deal with and my writing and organization skills have improved considerably.

And if I get accepted to a school (which of course is the desireable outcome), then I'll probably have to move and find a part-time job at least. I'll have to study, learn totally new things (at least some of which are bound to be difficult to understand), and do some kind of graduate project. These information science programs are very computer-oriented, and while I'm used to using computers I don't really have a computer science background. They teach you the programs and methods you need to know, of course, but I'm worried that I won't be equipped to learn these new things, and flunk out, and....argh, I haven't even applied yet!

This calls to mind something I once read in a webcomic[1]: "Can't sleep. Future will eat me."

Well, I have a few things going for me. As I said, Katherine and my boss can write me good references[2]. I have a very good GPA from Bryn Mawr, and I can say truthfully that my undergraduate thesis helped me learn a lot about collecting and organizing information. I scored well on the GRE. My job involves organizing, manipulating and keeping track of various bits of information, so I'm familiar with some aspects of information science. The fact that I have some "real life" experience and have managed to keep up with my job, bills and something resembling a social life shows I can handle being responsible for myself. Although I might want to start doing some regular volunteer work (yes, I should have started earlier) to make myself look that much better, because it always helps.

Oh, and I have loving, supportive parents who, in spite of the fact that I don't live with them, will help motivate, nag, drag and push me through the whole process. ;)


[1] Queen of Wands, of course, but my mother wouldn't know that.

[2] Katherine Woodhouse-Beyer was my favorite anthropology professor at Bryn Mawr. We have kept in touch since then and even got together for coffee once, although this summer she's been busy on a dig.



Yes, I am very nervous. I know some of the stuff I'm worrying about is beyond my control, or it will just take time to get done and there's no way I can change that. But I can't help feeling inadequate to the whole task. My mind is swirling with "should haves" and "what ifs."

Of course, if the worst happens, I still have a job here in Philly which is not unberable and at which I can make a decent living. The problem is, as I'm aware, the definition of success and socioeconomic survival is different depending upon one's culture and economic class. In my case, socioeconomic survival means getting some kind of graduate degree and, subsequent to that, a job in my degree field. I won't be destitute if I don't manage to do that, but I'll be...well, I'm not sure what exactly. "Failure" seems close.

Of course, I often felt similar in high school. Most of you (with the exception of shinyhappygoth don't know what I was like before college. I was disorganized, very socially inept and often had to be pushed by my parents to do anything. There were times when I didn't think I would make it to - or through - college, or I didn't think I could possibly get and hold down a job. Of course, I managed to get my act together, did well in college and had a job to go to when I graduated, which, all things considered, is pretty damn good. Because not only did I get here - I got here despite having ADHD, despite feeling inadequate most of the time, despite myself.

Thinking that way helps me cope a little. But I'm still not used to thinking of myself as a person who can accomplish things, and that's part of why I'm so anxious. When I look back at what I've done, I don't feel proud of what I've managed to do so much as surprised that I've managed to do it, or relieved that I've gotten it over with. And when I look ahead, I still think "how could I possibly do this?" instead of thinking that I've overcome challenges before, and I can overcome this one, too. But in the end, as always, I will just take the plunge and do it, because it feels like the best course - or possibly the only acceptable course - that I can take for myself.

And in the meantime, I will have to deal with a clenched stomach, feeling cold all over, and some nights of "can't sleep, future will eat me."

Sorry if I've made anyone uncomfortable. I am not used to being this honest, but if I kept my feelings to myself I really would go nuts.